I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
