summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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