Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
