I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize