Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Im part way to drunk.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
