I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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