break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
