Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
