just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
