So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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