Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
