It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
