yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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