so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
