She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
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