I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
