Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
