My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
