I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
