I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
