she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
