my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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