When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
