I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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