Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
