i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
