My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
