dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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