This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
