Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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