Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
