Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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