The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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