I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
