well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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