So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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