I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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