you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
