wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
