if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
