i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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