Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
