her vagina looked like bernie madoff
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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