There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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