I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
