so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
home. puking in laundry basket.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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