I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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