He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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