woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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