My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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