It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
