I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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