Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize