I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
