I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
