did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
