I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize