i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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